The second problem - PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder)

The second problem

I have a problem,
or so I thought for a long time.

Something bothered me immensely.

Whether it was: suffering, illness, 

injustice, bullying, abuse, loss,

or anything else

that threw me off track,

what's certain is that the pain of it

was etched into my mind.

I got incredibly upset about it,
simmered with anger and resentment,

shrouded myself in self-pity

and depression,

occupied myself with all sorts

of distractions,

and did all sorts of things

to try and get rid of the pain.

Soon I realized that the thought

about my problem had become

lodged inside me,

like a bird that has built a nest in my tree.

I'm starting to brood over

the negative feelings.

Day and night,

they give me no peace.

I'm getting so worked up
about this terrible situation
that I'm constantly preoccupied

with all sorts of possible

and even impossible scenarios.

Soon, I'm experiencing

increasing difficulty concentrating.

Coping with everyday tasks

becomes more and more difficult.

Positive aspects of the present moment

barely register with me anymore,

because everything increasingly revolves

around the negative thing

that's happened to me.

Even my relationships

with friends and acquaintances

have deteriorated,

as they were tired of hearing

the same old story

and me consistently ignoring

all their good advice.

For a long time,

I justified my current behavior

because of the problem

that had happened to me.

But I didn't realize
that I now have
more than one problem.

The second problem

has long since crept in:

I've lost my mental balance.

The first problem is now
a thing of the past
but the second problem
still haunts me every step of the way.

It's becoming increasingly difficult,

if not impossible,

to hold down a regular job,

to structure my daily life meaningfully,

to maintain healthy relationships,

and to value myself.

For a long time,
I always blamed my current difficulties
on the first problem.

I never wanted to seriously admit

that the second problem

affects me even more

than the first one,

which is now long gone.

Now it would be very important
to broaden my horizons,
to start perceiving the beauty
and goodness in the present,
to value myself again,

and to implement the helpful tips and advice

from my friends

instead of constantly complaining,

moaning, and lamenting.

But in the meantime,
my misbehavior has become
so ingrained

that it will be a difficult task for me

not only to acknowledge

my second problem

but also, to take productive action

against it.

(1402262007-2044,1502260650-0715)

Talmud, Nedarim 39b

Even those who repeatedly sin are not beyond hope. The Sages encourage gradual, persistent effort, not despair.