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Lying and cheating - Becoming aware of one’s situation and finding help

Lying and cheating

 

I have built my life

upon lying and cheating

and had hoped to have

some advantage by it.


But in reality

I have destroyed much with it.


What good is all the money and power

when I am not really happy?


My meanness

causes all around me to hate me.

The money that I end up spending

does not really make me happy.


I have not found inner peace

in a long time.

I am driven by restlessness

and cannot stand my own condition

any longer.

I can’t find peace.


Oh, what a life did I build for myself?

Where does that lead me to?

Everything is just cheating and appearance!


On the outside I playact

to be the strong man

but internally I am eaten up

by unhappiness and dissatisfaction.


I have scourged my conscience

and locked it up

into the prison of my life.

But in quiet moments

when I am all by myself

I can still hear it cry out.


How much longer

do I want to continue to live like that?

With my lies I am deluding myself.

Instead I get myself

in more and more trouble.


I’m on the run my whole life long

without knowing the direction anymore.

I cannot numb myself long term.

The same chaos breaks through

over and over again.

Everywhere I look

my life begins to stink and rot.


Every time when I want to

start over again

I take along my old thoughts and actions

and soon afterwards

I end up doing the same thing again.


God YOU said

that YOU can make

a new person out of us.

Can you do that with me too?

Can YOU show me

how to follow you today?


I am very aware of my guilt.

To no human did I ever admit

my own hopelessness.


The chaos that I created

can only be cleaned up by YOU and me.

In all quietness

I want to get to know YOU.


I have to first of all

sort out my own life,

and for that

I cannot have another person around me

who tells me what to do

because he doesn’t know me

as well as YOU.

Despite I do not want to risk

their contempt and judgment of me.


YOU know me and the chaos I created,

my cheating and lying

upon which I have build my own world

all too well.


But especially in my situation

you have words of hope and love for me.

Thank you that despite all I did

YOU did not give up on me.

Help me to discover YOU

and to get to know you better

so that my life can become real.

 


(0804130805-0835,1604130723-0803)

 

 

Psalm 25:4–5 (The Israel Bible)

Let me know Your paths, Hashem; teach me Your ways; 5 guide me in Your true way and teach me, for You are Hashem, my deliverer; it is You I look to at all times.

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