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Not my whole heart - Dissatisfied due to half-heartedness

Not my whole heart

 

I did not give you

my whole heart

when I turned to you.


For obvious sins

I asked for forgiveness,

but I was

not at all ready

to let go

of my anger

and my bitterness,

of my rage and hatred,

of me dreading things and my fear,

of my whining and complaining,

of my envy and jealousy,

and my distress and my worries.


Humans just hurt me too much

and I wanted to hold on to

my disappointment

about that.


For a long time I thought

I was living a good life

because I prayed a lot

and did all those

religious things.


Sometimes however

I was wondering

why others

had so many

experiences with you

and I come away empty-handed.


All along I knew the verse

that when I search for you

with all of my heart

I will find you too.


My heart was full

of ugliness

and there was

no room for you.


How did you want to fill me

when I was already full?

How should I hear you

when it was screaming inside of me?

How should I experience you

when I was full of rage inside?

How should you be able

to spend time with me

when I was totally

busy with myself?


Even with my religious appearance

I was full of toxic waste

and my surroundings knew that.


Only after I realized

you wanted

so much more

than only my visible sins

could I start

to clean up my heart

and bring

everything within it to you.


I had not given you

my whole heart

when I turned to you,

but that has changed now.


No, I could not really

experience you with half a heart

but now that I gave you everything

I realize you are there for me

all the way!

Thank you.

 

 

(0510112354-0610110010,2707120441-0503)

 

 

Talmud, Avot 2:2

One who acts without full intention or commitment fails to develop strength, character, and moral resilience.

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